Masculine, brawny, deep. I’ve decided I want Sam Elliott’s voice to narrate my life.

If Siri had this option, I’d buy an IPhone. If an out-of-my-reach sports car had his husky tones in the navigation system, I’d make payments for the rest of my life.

I remember him most for his roles in Prancer and Tombstone. So naturally, now I want to live on a farm in the arctic and drink whiskey.

I want to ride sidesaddle in an ankle-length dress made of silk and lace that collects in a bustle in the back. 

I want to run a Dodge truck over boulders and through the mud.

I want to eat steak and wash it down with the Banquet Beer.

And I just think things like stirring oatmeal or folding size 3T underwear would somehow be a little more heroic with that twangy, southern drawl in the background.